nobody is going to read this post

nobody is going to read this post, because nobody cares. i tell myself this every time i start a new blog post. this, i already know, is just my self-talk trying to keep discouraged. i get it. i have always understood this as what the book the war of art calls "the resistance." it's just another distraction keeping me from doing what i was put on the planet to do. i think the worst part is that even though i know it, and i have always known, i continue to fall for it. i'm like... i'm just stupid sometimes. knowing it's bullshit every time, but continuing to taste it every time, saying "it's ice cream."

why is it i have to remind myself of my accomplishments? i wrote a book and got published. i have written multiple screenplays. one of those screenplays was made into an independent film. i married a beautiful woman and have three devastatingly handsome little boys. i  have a job. i'm going to school for something i love. God loves me. these things i have to remind myself of regularly.

shit i did wrong? oh that is playing 24/7 in the multiplex theatre in my head: screen1 - you are not rich. screen 2 - you are 48 years old. screen 3 - your job is monotonously boring and you don't make enough money to properly take care of your family. screen 4 - you are a diabetic, so your life is just a barrage of bad eating histories, and you can't enjoy food anymore, and you are going to lose a foot, and you are going to go into a diabetic coma and die. screen 5 - you are fat and gross and a slob and you eat too much. screen 6 - you are a fraud, and you're not nearly as talented as people say you are and you are going to be found out very soon. and screen 7 - nobody gives a rat's ass about you.

again, i know it's all bullshit. sigh. this shit is old.

but tonight i wrote the blog anyway. my wife, the mrs, has a mantra that makes complete sense to me. her mantra is "do it afraid." no matter what it is, do it. do what you're supposed to do, even if it terrifies you. do. it. afraid.

so that's what this is. me, doing it afraid.

nobody is going to read this post, because nobody cares.

but i wrote it anyway.

thanks,

tym