okay, so lemme 'splain...

wha' hhhhappen?

howdy folks. the young man is back, and he wants to explain whats going on. big ups to the homie merva for saying my blog is real. wow, i'm so urban. that didn't even sound right in my mind. thank you merva for your comments about the young man's blog.

my last post was pretty bleak and end of the world-ish. yes, its true, that paragraph i posted was not something i just happened to find. well, i did find it, but i found it in my cell phone under notes. i was in a horrible place, not so long ago. i mean really horrible, like that whole paragraph was the truth (ruth), and it was all off the top of my head. it was exactly what I was thinking - raw and uncut. i called the last post "disturbing..?" because reading that now was disturbing. it was disturbing to know that i was really at that point.

so now I am at a different place. not much got better, aside from my outlook and the drugs. yet now i'm low on meds and my outlook is dimming. i'm still struggling to get to where i can relax, breathe, or even smile for an extended period of time. it'll happen, I'm sure. There's a light somewhere in this tunnel, let's just hope its not another train. And I won't kill myself.

-tym

disturbing..?

if you found this in a friend's stuff, what would you do?

Question
If I killed myself, who would care?  If I walked outside into my back yard and Hung myself from the swingset, what would it matter in the grand scheme of things? One less 44 year old failure in the world. Nothing. ***** would finally be free of the anchor around her neck. My boys would maybe have the opportunity to be  taken under the wing of someone who could teach them something. My dad and brother are already living their lives, so I'm sure after the initial sting I would just become a memory. I have maybe 2 friends so nobody would have to arrange a funeral. Cremate me and flush my ashes. I know id go to hell, and that's the worst part. I am of no  importance. Square peg. I don't fit. I can't keep a job just because of who I am. I do excellent at my jobs, but I just don't fit. And now my shitty-ness is bringing down my wife and family with me. I fucking hate myself. I'm a scourge. A millstone. Too old and unimportant to matter anymore. I feel horrible for the boys, to have this as a dad. I feel bad for ****** too, havin g. This as a husband .here's some truth for ya: i don't matter anymore. So I should go. Forever. For good. Knives, drugs, rope, car wreck, any of the above. I hate what I have become.


-tym